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Thursday, September 24, 2015
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
8. Why Gifted Teens should be Sponges not Spongers
10 ways Parents of Gifted Teens
can support them in high school (continued)
My grandmother used to tell me that whenever I was feeling
sorry for myself I should go and help someone worse off than myself. “Be a sponge," she’d add.
A sponge will absorb water until it is saturated. Because of gravity, water then gushes from the sponge, feeding water to living things around it. By doing so, the sponge
itself thrives. The sponge and its
community are mutually beneficial. A
‘sponger’ on the other hand, simply absorbs. Synonyms for sponger are
“freeloader”, “scrounger” and “bludger”.
Gifted teens are natural sponges, and high school
is a time when there are many opportunities for them to both absorb and pour
back the bounties that life offers. Spending time putting back into the community in
some way is not a whimsical “do-gooder” suggestion: it is actually as necessary
for the gifted psyche as feeding the intellect; gifted teens must learn how to
feed their souls as well as their intellects.
These teens often have a deep sense of social
concern and social responsibility. They
are more profoundly aware of the ills of the world than their peers, and can
become disillusioned and despairing of global and local problems. Their sensitivity
combined with intense critical thinking and analysis can make them cynical and
depressed by problems they may see as overwhelming.
As parents we can help our teens ‘soak up’ being
gifted, and celebrate the joy and satisfaction of sharing their gifts, thereby feeding
their spirit or soul.
Soaking up being
gifted
“Know thyself: Then to thine own self be true” - Socrates
Learning about being gifted is something that
gifted teens complain they know little about[1]. Understanding their social-emotional sides is
a really important part of knowing and accepting themselves. One of the best ways I know of doing this is
through reading. Curling up with a book that
describes many of your own personal characteristics allows you to reflect in
privacy, draw your own conclusions, and make sense of your world through a
fresh lens. What a gift a book is!
There are some excellent books available for gifted
teens written by experts. You will find
them interesting as well, though I’d suggest you don’t force conversations
about them – let conversation arise naturally.
Some topics are fairly innocuous and non-threatening, but others may
feel deeply personal to your gifted teen.
Accept that there will be topics your teen prefers not to discuss with
you. This is a natural part of their
growing independence in their transition to adulthood, not an attack upon your
relationship!
- Judy Galbraith's and Jim Delisle’s “TheGifted Kids Survival Guide: A Teen Handbook”, This book describe what giftedness is all about, has comments and questions from gifted teens themselves, and deals with many other issues gifted face such as perfectionism, and the concerns of multi-potentiality (the scariness of being good at lots of things, and not knowing which area to pursue as a career).
- Michael Piechowski's “Mellow out” They say. If only I could: Intensities and sensitivities of the young and bright.” This book sensitively explores the hidden world of many gifted individuals through the real stories and feelings of gifted students. Another 'must read'.
- I have also found Mary Pipher’s “Reviving Ophelia: saving the selves of adolescent girls” one that has had a really positive impact upon senior level gifted girls. (Do read it yourself first though).
Encourage your teen to read biographies on top
achievers in fields they are interested in, or historical figures that inspire them.
This helps them learn that high-level success is hard won, after a lot
of time and effort. Join your local
library – explore the biography section together. There is an almost infinite, rich selection to choose from. Have discussions with them about the heroes
who inspired you through your youth and as an adult, and why you found them
inspirational.
A
wonderful source of good reading material for gifted is to be found in Judith Wynn
Halsted’s “Some
of my Best Friends are books”. Encourage
an eclectic range of reading and try not to be bothered by the ‘trash’ they may
also read.
Halsted observes:
“By ninth grade, boys read more science
fiction, fantasy, sports, war and spy stories than girls, but both girls and
boys read crime and detective stories – such escapist reading may help them
deal with the angst of this time in their lives. Senior high students prefer protagonists who
are making the same transition as they face from adolescence to adulthood. They
are not interested in books with middle aged characters, but they do enjoy
stories about the elderly, who face some of the problems they do – a changing
peer group and adjustment to physical and mental changes.”[2]
Feeding the Soul
Feeding the soul as well as the intellect becomes
an important life balance issue through the teen years. If the focus is purely upon
intellectual development these teens are often left asking themselves what it’s
all for, because pondering these sorts of existential questions is a part of
who they are. On the other hand, when
they are actively involved in helping others, not only do they become aware of
the power of many to effect positive change, they experience a ‘feel good’ buzz
that can give a real sense of purpose and achievement. They realise that although they themselves cannot
solve the big problems, joining with others builds collective strength. For many, a highly tuned sense of moral outrage and social injustice and ethical issues can fuel an intense passion and the need to make a difference. Volunteer groups, both local and
international, can make a real difference.
Instead of feeling overwhelmed by life’s issues our teens find that participation
in activities that make a difference to society fosters within them a sense of
hope and optimism. My grandmother wasn’t
wrong!
We do not learn the deep satisfaction that comes
from helping others from a text book. These
are students who need to be actively involved in putting back into their
community. High schools generally provide
plenty of opportunity for them to do so either as an individual or as part of a
larger group.
For example:
Peer
mentoring: in-school,
or beyond (mentoring a younger gifted student with a similar interest / area of
passion)
Reading to students in primary school: a
“Big Buddy” system
Coaching
younger students in e.g. Maths, Science, Sport.
Restorative
Justice / mediation: a system
where students are constructively involved mediators for other students
Groups that may exist within the school that work
for a cause, e.g.
CanTeen A Youth
Organisation in New Zealand and Australia which supports teens with cancer and
their families. Students hold major fundraising events to donate to this organisation.
Most countries have similar agencies that students may choose to actively
support.
Students Against Drunk Driving (SADD) A student led education program
on drug and alcohol abuse. Information and resources available from www.sadd.org
World Vision - 40 Hour Famine The 40 Hour famine is an event held in 21
countries to raise money for countries suffering from famine. www.worldvision.com
Amnesty International An international human rights group that raises awareness of
individuals suffering in countries abusing human rights and offers practical,
peaceful ways of taking action. www.amnesty.org
As an alternative, you
could encourage your teen to spend time out-of school (even as a volunteer)
helping out in areas that interest them, with
Community Volunteer groups, such as rest homes, disabled children’s groups such
as “Riding for the Disabled”, and church volunteer groups.
You may be concerned that the time your gifted teen
spends upon community activities such as these will take away time away from
study and academics. I would argue that participating
in positive social action to make a difference will bring a far healthier, more
buoyant, and more resilient teen to their work desk. Your teen needs you to
support these important areas of personal growth.
[1] Galbraith & Delisle
[2] Halsted, J.W., (2009). Some of my best friends are books: guiding gifted readers. 3rd edition. AZ: Great Potential Press,p.89.
© Sonia White, (M.Gifted Ed). Author, Teacher, Teacher Educator, Gifted
Education Consultant (2012), www.giftedconsultant.ac.nz
This article is part of a series
on how parents can help their gifted teens get the best out of their high
school years.
To read preceding articles on this topic click on the links:
To read preceding articles on this topic click on the links:
Parents of Gifted: 2. Does your
teen know you love them 'warts and all'?
Parents of Gifted: 3. Promote
sensible risk-taking
Sonia
White is a parent, teacher, author and gifted education consultant. She
has many years of experience working with gifted learners of all ages.
To receive links for future articles on this topic, you
can subscribe to Sonia's blog by email, RSS feed, or as a member of
Blogspot, follow Sonia on Twitter: @SoniaWhite_
or Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/6nocuo7
.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
7. Assertive or Arrogant? Why gifted teens sometimes get a bad rap.
10 ways Parents of Gifted Teens can support them in high school
(continued)
“She’s so rude! She doesn’t even pause to consider
how his words affect others...”
“He can be so high-handed and dismissive of other
people’s points of view...”
“My teen can out-sneer and out-roll-the-eyes of
experts in those fields!”
...“I tell it like it is – if they can’t take it why
should that be my problem?”
There is no doubt about it: a quick wit is part and parcel of the gifted
intellect, and some gifted teens use this as a defence mechanism or misuse it
as a control mechanism. Lots of gifted teens have excellent social skills and can moderate their behavior to fit the social situation. But some gifted teens are quite capable of alienating those around them with their ascerbic observations
and repartee. Some don’t or won't tolerate 'fools' – unfortunately those on the receiving end of the cutting edge of their wit are often
those who are in a position of influence (teachers, bosses, parents).
Or if they are not, they may well be one day (fellow students and co-workers).
 |
| Ivory tower arrogance could lead to a lonely existence |
Arrogance versus self-confidence self-advocacy
and assertiveness
Arrogance: To the observer, arrogance says more about the person being arrogant than the person they are disrespecting. It makes them uncomfortable, and they wonder when it will be their turn to be on the receiving end of such rudeness. Teach your teen that arrogance is one step too far, and while it is important to build self-confidence, they are doing themselves a disservice when they respond arrogantly to others.
Help your
gifted teen understand that giftedness in itself is not something to be proud
of. It does not make them a better human being. Nor is being gifted any defense or excuse for treating others badly. However, the way in which they use their gifts and talents may be something of which they can be proud. They have
no more right to feel proud of their gifts than they have of being born with blue or
brown eyes. By accident of birth they have these ‘attributes’ or gifts and talents’ and
the opportunities to develop them (nature and nurture). Our gifted teens need to learn tolerance and humility.
Easier said than done, perhaps? Not
necessarily. There are other things to
consider here: self-confidence self
advocacy and assertiveness, and building friendships.
Self-confidence, self-advocacy and assertiveness:
Gifted teens do need to be assertive
self-advocates. They need the courage
and the skills to approach their teachers and other adults and express themselves
in a manner that is respectful but clearly conveys their concerns or
needs. Although they are gifted, unfortunately they
don’t come with an in-built manual on how to do this! While some are more
naturally skilful in this, most will benefit from learning and developing these
skills, and some (such as the twice exceptional gifted with Aspergers Syndrome)
will require some very specific ongoing guidance on social interaction strategies.
When your teen comes home from school
complaining about a frustration or conflict with a teacher, welcome this as a learning
opportunity for them. While it may be your natural instinct as a parent to leap
to their defence and to try to solve the issue for them, this is a life
skill that they need to practice. Don't rob them of the opportunity to learn to address issues themselves by trying to solve it for them. Rather ask what options they think they have and help them gain the confidence to consider and act.
Here’s a few things to consider during the
discussion:
- Whether they like the teacher or not, really doesn’t matter in the long term. While it is a bonus, life does not always deal us personalities that we enjoy working with. The big question for your teen is “what can I learn from this person?” and “do I need to like them to learn it?” Beware of assuming that the teacher is “useless”! I have been quietly astounded to have just as many gifted learners claiming that teacher X was the best teacher they’d ever had as those claiming the opposite. That knowledge taught me some humility, and not to make assumptions! Not every personality and teaching style is going to suit everyone.
- If the complaint is that the work is too easy / not challenging enough / or boring ask them to consider what they would rather have instead. Ask them when they learn best, and what that teacher does in those instances that helps them learn best. (Get them to really think this one through – all teachers have their strengths). It may be that they prefer ‘hands on’ learning (kinaesthetic learning style), or have a more visual learning style, or simply that they want to dive into more challenging aspects of the topic.
- Build Bridges. The key word here is ‘self-advocacy’. Ask them how they think they can build a bridge between themselves and that teacher. (If there is more than one teacher, have them choose one to start with. Baby steps.) Get them to visualize how they might approach that teacher, and what they might say that can change things for them. If they want to, let them practice on you! Tell them you will be listening for their tone and any negative ‘sub-text’ and will wince everytime you hear something that could upset you.
Things they should
remember:
- Teachers want their students to do well, even if they don’t always seem to! Any approach by a student which is prefaced with ‘I’m wanting to do really well in your subject and I’d like a bit of advice’ is a really good start.
- Don’t approach a teacher at the very end of a lesson; they have another class to prepare for and will be rushed, and most likely stressed if you hold them up, and their answer may unintentionally be dismissive.
- Do tell them you have a couple of questions about your work, and ask what time might suit them for you to come and discuss it with them. SMILE! Be friendly, not surly. Resist the urge to elaborate too much at that point.
- Think about what the real issue is, and talk facts not emotions or negative comments, such as’ I’m bored’ or ‘the work is too easy’.
- Go with solutions, not problems, e.g.
"I learn really well when I can (dive deeper / explore unusal perspectives / use a visual or kinaesthetic learning style.)"
"I was thinking about this topic and I’d like to know if I could..."
"Do you have any suggestions about where I could get more information about..."
"Is there any extension work around this topic, and if so, would you mind if I tried it?"
- Be aware that the teacher may be concerned (probably wrongly) that if they allow you to skip the easy stuff to do something more challenging, that you will not have ‘learned the basics’. Be prepared for this response if you are asking to skip some of the easier exercises, and promise that you will ace the end-of-unit test if they will allow you to do other extension work or present your assignment in a different way.
- Build trust and help the teacher to understand how well you can do. High school teachers teach a new group of students every hour. It takes them a lot longer to get to know individual student ability. Once that knowledge of your ability exists and trust is built, ask the teacher about the availability of advanced courses or classes. Talk to the teacher as though you believe in them. (Even if you don’t initially!) Teachers are human too! Most will probably surprise you. They aren’t in teaching for the money, but because they want to help students learn. Show them you could be the student for whom they make a difference.
- It goes without saying (but must be said!) that you don’t reward a teacher for giving you their time and individual attention by subsequently acting up in class! remember not to take their support for granted, and thank them when they help you.
- Consider your ongoing negotiations with the teacher as a rehearsal for when you are out in the workforce. This is a skill – if it doesn’t always work, think around ways you could better approach it next time.
Building friendships:
Arrogance and intolerance of others is a sure-fire
way to keep people away from getting close to you.
Some gifted teens can find it difficult to relate
to others, and while they desperately want to be liked, and to have friends, they
may hide their lack of confidence with the one weapon they have readily at
their disposal: a quick tongue. Intolerance of others & a ‘too-smart’ mouth
leads to loss of friends. Her peers may avoid her, or they may follow her lead, but they won’t like her because she is using her ability in a
destructive way. Either way, she is intelligent enough to know that her
behaviour is self-destructive, but can be unsure or lack the tools to change. Self-confidence takes another dive, even when it is masked by an arrogant ‘don’t
care’ attitude.
Healthy friendships are respectful of others’ feelings. However, rather than preach about it, look for opportunities to have discussions with your teen about the qualities they admire or expect in a friend.
Healthy friendships are respectful of others’ feelings. However, rather than preach about it, look for opportunities to have discussions with your teen about the qualities they admire or expect in a friend.
Avoid referring the topic back to their own friendships or lack thereof. Gifted teens don’t need to have the finger pointed back at them – they are their own harshest critics, and make these links really quickly. They are also masters at mirroring behaviour if they so choose. Abstract discussions around qualities and real or even fictional people can provide a rich source of examples without raising hackles.
Some examples:
- Philosophical conversations around questions like “what is loyality?” or “what makes a good friend?” or “Do you think humour is important in a friendship?” Perhaps there are opportunities for discussions about a character in a film or novel, or a personal family friend, or a public figure they admire. Comments such as “one thing I really admire about [x person] is the way they... – what do you think?”
- Consider positive as well as negative qualities in others, so they begin to understand why people behave the way they do. But be sure you counter the negative with valued positive qualities – everyone has them! You are trying to decrease the arrogance, and increase humanity, remember!
And a final word to the wise:
Encourage friendships across the
ability spectrum: it teaches humility.
There
is nothing so humbling as getting close to the learning disabled or the
physically disabled. They have so much
to teach all of us about humanity. Encourage
your teen to make friends with all levels of student ability through community service involvement. Maybe they can volunteer to tutor less able
students or younger students and put a little bit of themselves back into
enriching the worlds of others.
Gifted is as gifted does: it is what we
put back into our world that gives us pride, not what we bring to it.
© Sonia White, (M.Gifted Ed). Author, Teacher, Gifted Education Consultant (2012),
www.giftedconsultant.ac.nz
This article is part of a series
on how parents can help their gifted teens get the best out of their high
school years.
To read preceding articles on this topic click on the links:
Introduction: Successful Gifted
Learners v. Autonomous Learners
Parents of Gifted: 2. Does your teen know you love them 'warts
and all'?
Parents of Gifted: 3. Promote sensible risk-taking
Sleep Deprivation: A
postscript.
Parents of Gifted 8: Why Gifted teens should be sponges, not spongers
Parents of Gifted 8: Why Gifted teens should be sponges, not spongers
Sonia
White is a parent, teacher, author and gifted education consultant. She
has many years of experience working with gifted learners of all ages.
To receive links for future articles on this topic, you
can subscribe to Sonia's blog by email, RSS feed, or as a member of
Blogspot, follow Sonia on Twitter: @SoniaWhite_
or Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/6nocuo7
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